My first long post…

I am going to use this blog as a Pensieve for myself, and hope you who read it use it as a looking-glass, and I haven’t said ‘mirror’ because I know that my life, even though it may be very similar to yours, is still not so exactly the same that it will ‘mirror’ yours. I just want you to read my postings with an open heart, a clear mind, to explore what exactly my life is all about and if possible, try and find a hint of reflection of your life in it. A very important year in my life has ended… and I am going to treasure it in my heart. For this year was the most eye-opening, the most memorable and the most beautiful year of my life. I sometimes wish that I had a Pensieve to store all my thoughts and memories in, which, at leisure and in solitude, can be re-visited and those priceless moments can be re-lived. Well, lets start it this way- if I had a Pensieve right now, which would be the moments from last year that I would like to re-visit, to re-live, and try and gain a little more understanding from them? Firstly, I would like to name last year the Year of New Endings and Old Beginnings. Last year many things that I really cherished in life saw their end. Harry Potter is the most obvious thing of course… now Harry Potter is a series of dear books that I been literally feeding and nourishing on for the past five years. When I finally held in my hands the last book, Deathly Hallows, on 21st July…it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. I was experiencing extreme happiness, bliss, wonder… but filled with this dull pang of sorrow that kept coming, bearing down on me, sort of like this voice inside my head that kept telling me, you’re not going to get this again, you’re not going to get this again… and by the time I finished the book at 2:30 a.m. (reread the 19 Years Later at least thrice) I was so sad and sleepy and just not ready to accept the fact that 21st July had ended, Harry Potter had ended, it was actually over, I knew what happened, I was just done with life that moment. I crawled into my parents’ bed with a grumpy “its over”… JK Rowling has given us such a magnificent end to her books…each character’s story is nicely tied up in the end, with a sweet, heart-warming ‘Happily Ever After’ to keep us dreaming about Harry, Ron and Hermione and their lives…so yeah, a day that I would really love to re-live would be 21st July, full with all my excitement and anticipation and grief.July was truly a magical month for me. It was also the time when I met two people who, though I didn’t realize it that time, have become two of my best friends and the closest people I have in my life. I think the date was 12th July, just right before Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie was released worldwide (I think by now you must have realized that my life is generally chronicled with reference to the Harry Potter series, and thus you may be able to realize how truly difficult it was for me to plan my life after The Ending). It was such a chance meeting, and I didn’t even know one of them so well, yet, we met…and it was incredible! We were just talking for hours and hours in this little café-cum-bakery and we realized we made such a perfect little trio. All the three of us were extreme Harry Potter fans, so I guess the ending of it was good in a way as it fostered a new friendship between the three of us, and a very beautiful one, that too! The T3, as we call ourselves, has been through a lot of ‘stuff’ this year, but none of us can deny that it was one of the best times of our lives. Especially those 4-5 hours at Puffs ‘n’ Rolls. Those hours are again, one of those memories that I really wish to swirl up in a Pensieve and drown myself in…Some other things, equally important, include my board exams, and the times I spent with two incredible women who not only taught me lessons in Mathematics and Marathi for the boards but also took me into the hitherto unexplored realms of numbers, calculations, and literature in my mother-tongue. They are the ones who introduced me to people who are considered the founding fathers of math or Marathi, but who I found to be very boring till then…I sincerely owe a thanks to them, for really being the teachers who learned with me. As I talk about my board exams, there’s one more thing that comes to mind. I don’t know if I have done the right thing, as this year I discontinued my home-learning- something which I was immersed in for the past three years- and joined Junior College. I must say I don’t think College is really that formal, for we have 0% compulsory attendance required, and even if we just give the exams and not do any classes at all, it hardly makes a difference. This choice for me was a hard one, as it made me question not only my own beliefs, that is, what I was very passionately believing till that time, but it made me think about the relationships I shared with all those who were a part of my school-walk-out decision and who were encouraging me to not give that up. It was difficult for me, sometimes I felt like a hypocrite caught between two totally opposite ways of thinking, on one side I had my grandmothers and relatives who felt I was losing all chances of getting a ‘good’ career just because of my stupid choice to not study in a formal school, and on the other side were these people who were very passionate about their anti-school, anti-institution beliefs and who were constantly into questioning me about why I was giving up my lovely freedom for a godforsaken institution just to obtain some ruddy certificate! This pent-up frustration morphed itself into a boil, something that came out on my body when I was in the jungles of Greece.  Now, a boil is something I am very prone to, some people say it is deficiency of sulphur, some say it is due to a lot of heat inside my body, some just shrug and say they have no idea what a bloody boil is. I think it occurs to me when there’s a lot of frustration within myself, conscious or unconscious, and which, when not let out by a proper channel, becomes this boil which manifests itself into any part of my body, and which, let me tell you, is EXTREMELY painful. This year was my biggest one, and it was a total of 30 days, 30 days of horrible pain, torture and trauma before that goddamn thing burst and all the pus started oozing out along with my tears… and then it was over. I decided I would join JC, no matter what anyone said, as it was MY decision and only I was responsible for it. And so I did.I think I will remember this year for one more thing, and not a nice one it is. I was faced with my first experience of eve-teasing, if it can be called that, it was just plain stalking. Thankfully I was with one of my friends, but she was as inexperienced in these things I was, so the best thing we could do was go to the closest known house in the vicinity and explain our situation. Then we were safe and escorted to the warm comfort of our homes and it was never done again. But it left me with a deep, long-lasting fear of people who can hurt me, and my innocent belief that Nashik, my city, is devoid of such people was horribly shattered. And I was, still am, left with this continuous fear, whenever I step out of my house alone I am scared, scared that someone may be following me, someone will pass rude comments at me, whistle at me, and I feel ashamed about it, guilty even, that I can’t do anything about it except hold my head high and walk away. Sometimes I really wish, there’s this burning desire in my heart to just slap anyone who does that, slap his dreadful life out of him, but again, I’m scared… I’m scared of my inferiority, I’m scared of my fear… and sometimes, I just don’t know what to do about it.Coming back to more pleasant topics like friendship, I had to face another ending this year. It wasn’t the ending of a friendship, it was just the end of a phase…and I am still in the process of starting a new one. One of my best friends, my closest friend, and I mean physically close, as we were staying in the same building moved away to a new residence this year. She still is in the same city, and we see each other almost everyday, but something just changes…as you realise that it is no longer possible to just go calling on her to ask if she’s going to accompany me to the grocer’s, or seeing her without her teeth brushed and hair combed if we go out for early-morning walks, you sort of realise that is never going to happen again. But still, as they say, ‘distance makes the heart fonder’, I really hope the new year will bring a new phase, a new dimension to our friendship.

I must say…I feel like saying, that I have made some really good, close friends in this year. A certain part of me, a very pessimistic part, is afraid to say this, as you see, I said the exact same thing three years ago about some people who I am no longer even in contact with…but I feel, truly feel, that this time I have found my true friends. I do keep an open heart and acknowledge that in the future I don’t know if these will remain friends, some may go and some new ones will come, but right now, I am happy. I have three people in my life who I can call by ‘Best Friends Forever’, those are Amruta, a girl who’s been my friend since we were not even 2 feet tall, Tanvi, someone who’s been my friend for a long time but it was only this year that we really became close and Jayati, someone who just…totally understands me and the both of us have had some amazing conversations…

I feel all three of these friendships are not dependant on spaces like school or college, they are beyond that, and the only connection is that of the heart. And I really would like to acknowledge them and thank them for the incredible role they play in my life, (and this is the only time I am taking someone’s name, otherwise I don’t really like doing that much)Some more things about my life which I feel like writing… I know this is getting a bit longer than usual, but I really need to sit and pour out my feelings right now. I just feel very guilty about some things from last year too. This guilt…mostly comes from the fact that I have not been able to live up to some of my expectations I have for myself, and once more, I have succumbed to one of my worst enemies- inconsistency. I started this year doing a lot of new things- learning web-designing, playing table-tennis, but for some reason, I just drifted away from them. It always happens to me, I really like something, take it up, within a few months lose interest and then leave it. Maybe I am not passionate about it as much as I should be, or maybe it is just that I am disinterested, I don’t know. But it leaves me with a heavy feeling of guilt inside myself. I feel I have disappointed many people, indeed I have, and especially my parents. I feel, when they have done so much for me, be that buying a new guitar, TT bats, talking to people about letting me intern with them…and I feel like I’ve let them down…and then I feel like I’ve let myself down, my ideals, my beliefs… Its like, you really feel so bad about it its eating you inside, but then outside you appear to be cool and not caring. And I keep asking myself these questions…what can I do to make myself more consistent, more disciplined? There are days when I just don’t do anything, anything productive, I just sit and let my thoughts wander, I read old books, and I am lost…there is nothing exciting, challenging, nothing that makes me want to get up and  go do it, go immerse myself in it. But then I ask, how do I NOT depend on external sources to motivate me to actually get some focus in life, how can I find it within myself?  When will I know, understand, what I really want to do in life? Why am I just drifting? Unfortunately…I haven’t gotten any answers as yet…and I am still trying to seek them. I hope the new year brings some to light…and that I get some focus in life.I think I will end this chapter here… there are still many things to say, but they will come later. I feel I haven’t written so much as I need to, but I hope this journey unfolds itself slowly… so I have to pause here. I am hoping, praying that my negative points flow away with the old year and the new one brings out some new things inside me for me to explore, appreciate, and understand.       

One thought on “My first long post…

  1. Hi Sakhi!

    This looks like a wonderful new practice. Well, I know for you it is actually an old practice — showing up whole, as the person you are, in the presence of others. You’ve been doing that since we met 2 and a half years ago! And yes, I did the math — it has only been that long. Seems like much longer.

    I put Annie and Susan on an airplane yesterday for Japan. I’ll join them in a week and then a week later Annie will come to your country. She’ll be in Auroville until early May. She’s flying into Mumbai and hooking up with a friend and going with her to visit family in Dehli before heading south.

    She’ll be writing you.

    I hope you have a great year and that Junior College is filled with learning!

    Like

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