long time musings…

I havent written in a long time, so felt like I should.

As I said, I have a nasty habit of not doing the things I promised myself I should, and most of my New Year resolutions are lying somewhere in the back of my mind, rusting, decaying, and lying desolately like an abandoned book.

There are many things going on in my life right now… some good, some bad, as it always is. After all, it is because of the bad things, the darkness of life that we are able to appreciate the first light of dawn, the little things that make us joyful that we still exist in this beautiful world.

For some days my negativity was whirling itself around me and swirling itself into my life like poison dissolving into an innocent cup of tea ~ everything around me was wrong… there was something wrong with my body, I felt like I was ill, and I was whining away to friends, demanding their sympathy for my woes, not knowing what was wrong with me… not realising that maybe me myself was to blame…

There are many things in life that frustrate or frighten me… causing me to think of bad things about everyone around me as well as myself. To list a few-

Stuff that frightens, frustrates or worries the hell out of Sakhi N.A.-

~ Things happening to my body that differ from the normal state of health, like rashes, bumps, boils, headaches, nausea, not feeling alright…etc.etc. They worry me to death and I’m frightened of going to a doctor as I’m perpetually afraid of some rare obnoxious malady that I might have caught being detected. You may call me a hypochondriac, but hey, isn’t that a disease too?

~ People not talking to me, ignoring me, snubbing me for a reason I do not understand. Maybe I’m an egoist, but I need to be praised, appreciated and yes criticized too, but fairly… the people who judge me without understanding me leave me hurt and frustrated…and frightened too

~ Being said NO to, and not being given a reason for it.

~ Meanness with money.All my life I’ve been with people who won’t spend a paisa just because it might get over… well, frankly, I don’t believe in that. Money is something that should not be saved, you get it, you lose it… so when you have it, why not utilise it for something that will give you joy, albeit for that moment itself? And I also despise those people who will lend money to others on account of ‘being generous’, but when it comes to yourself, will be cautious even for a rupee. Again, this is something I don’t believe in. I’m not against being generous, but lending someone money is not my idea of being generous. Aren’t there so many other things to give away; like new ideas, old words of wisdom, or even little things that bring joy to your life… why do people have the idea that giving money to people will help them be better people?

You may be thinking… why, I did not think this girl was like this! So mean and childish and selfish! Well, I guess its true…there is a part of me that IS very childish and self-oriented… and maybe growing up is about recognising and accepting that part within you, and trying to keep it in control. As this is my pensieve, this is a process initiated by me to try and unearth this part and see what goes on here, to try and understand it, as well as keep a tab on it. This little sphere inside the depths of my mind that is full of negative energy and which sometimes bursts at unexpected intervals to pour out all the lava that has been accumulated inside it.

But, hey… here I go off on a tangent again. I’m supposed to talk about something that made me see the good side of life again.

There is an author, Richard Bach, who wrote books such as Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Illusions. I somehow have a unique and a little weird relationship with his books… I come to read them when my mind is in some kind of emotional turmoil or perhaps I am searching for some vague answer to life’s vague and yet intriguing questions… when I happen to lay my hands on one of Richard Bach’s books… and after reading them, I feel at peace with myself and possibly, a little closer to the truth I am forever seeking. Jonathan Livingston taught me the power of being different, which was, in the end, being who you are, being true to yourself and discovering your true potential and living it to the fullest extent…

The book I read most recently is called The Bridge Across Forever and is, at heart, a simple love story. But the best part about it is that this book is a story of love that actually happened!!! For me, after feeding myself of chick-lit, the pink and starry romances that only exist in dreams and such, left me with a constant feeling of depression that I was never going to find me ‘The One’ because perfection is such a rare thing nowadays and anyways perfect guys exist only in books and movies…

But then this book came along… describing a simple story of two people who found each other, and who are growing with each other as life gives them new things to discover every day… It was a story telling me that love can be as simple as being with someone else, being true to yourself and the person you are with. Above all, it gave me the hope that I would find someone, out there…my Knight in Shining Armour… all I had to do was keep my eyes and my heart open… not setting store an idea or image of ‘perfection’, as things may not be what we expect them to be…

These books, they leave this wonderful feeling inside me… sometimes you have to appreciate the power of words… written in prose but betraying the rhythm of poetry… words that are written from the soul and hence reach the soul of the reader, like lilting music, to leave a mark that will be forever remembered, forever cherished… and be the wisdom that will travel down many lives, many ages… a bit of the truth ~

I feel open, not hidden behind the numerous masks that I build around me almost every waking moment…and sometimes also in sleep(!)… I feel that maybe, maybe there are people in this world who understand me, the person I am without my masks…my filters… and who realise that this is the beauty of the world!

The opening lines of The Bridge Across Forever ~

We think, sometimes, there’s not a dragon left. Not one brave knight, not a single princess gliding through secret forests, enchanting deer and butterflies with her smile.

We think sometimes that ours is an age past frontiers, past adventures. Destiny, its way over the horizon; glowing shadows galloped past long ago, and gone.

What a pleasure to be wrong. Princesses, knights, enchantments and dragons, mystery and adventure… not only are they here and now, they’re all that ever lived on earth!

Our century, they’ve changed clothes, of course. So crafty have appearances become that princesses and knights can be hidden from each other, can be hidden form themselves.

Yet masters of reality still meet us in dreams to tell us that we’ve never lost the shield we need against dragons, that blue-fire voltage arcs through us not to change out world as we wish. Intuition whispers true ~ we’re not dust, we’re magic!


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