a bit pensi(e)ve…

Being sixteen… sweet sixteen, gives you such a wrong delusion about life. Why does everyone think sixteen is so sweet and romantic? Because folks, most of the times it isn’t. Sometimes it’s so sour, it makes you cringe. Sometimes it will be so spicy it brings tears into your eyes. And most of the times, it is just bitter… leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth and a bad feeling in your heart.

There I go, on one of my negative spells again! No, I promised myself… no negativity, no whining, no bitching, and no bad feelings about people.

It’s not like I’m pretending to be all happy and jolly and mumbling about life being oh-so-beautiful… I’m not! I’m just saying…ok, like, you give me challenges, I’ll accept them. because isn’t life about learning? I am going through a phase in life where I have to learn a hell lot, go through many surprise tests and exhausting examination that life throws on me… to assess how much I’ve actually learned… isn’t all this just about growing up?

Well, I think it is!!

I’m swirling up some old memories in this pensieve of mine… I read somewhere that our mind is like a boarding-house… full of people that we once were, of people that we want to be… or who we are, at the moment. In that particular boarding-house lives a girl… of about 12 or 13… who has entered a new phase in her life, taken an important decision that involves a major change… she doesn’t know if it is for the better or for worse. I’m waking this girl up… I want to meet her, maybe share some hours talking with her… just to understand her and for letting her understand me… to let her see what she is to become 3-4 years later…

I don’t know why I am doing this. A part of me feels… sometimes when I’m caught in that nasty cage of despair, a part of me wonders… am I really living my life the way I thought I would 3 years ago? You know, maybe I’m not. Sometimes I see myself as a run-of-the-mill sixteen-year-old… with her same stupid problems that are the same as everyone else, same worries about whether she was going to flunk her exams or not… same bitchiness towards college, boys, beautiful girls, family members, or life in general, same style of dressing, same fantasies, same ideals of beauty, of power, of love… is this the person I want to be? What happened to that 13 year-old who dared to be different, who did what she wanted to do, who refused to believe in any pre-set notion of society? Where the hell is she now? And who is this new girl that possessing my soul now, who thinks being bored is ‘cool’, who thinks going out for random bitching sessions with random friends is ‘cool’, who chats for hours on end discussing nothing more that random things which have been discussed a hundred times, worrying about stupid celebrities and their lives… and then I think, OH-MY-GOD… is this person really ME?

3 years ago… I would get these crazy ideas about damn creative things to do… just as an excuse to meet my friends who were ‘busy’ with classes or school. The days of Warli painting… the teenage film club… the communication skill workshop… the story-catchers workshop… the film-making workshop… where have they all gone? Where has that girl gone?

Where has my LIFE gone?

LOL… I don’t regret everything though… I had consciously decided to make a change in life again, to join college, and I frankly don’t regret that. I have the best friends anyone could ask for… there are people in my life whom I completely and totally trust, can talk about anything to, and be myself when I’m with them. Friends like these are hard to get and harder to keep, but I’m immensely proud of myself (the them!) for achieving that!

I have found new friends in college, some very nice and exciting people (like me!) who are ready to be ‘different’ and proud of it! I’ve established myself in college without feeling life-out, snubbed or lonely…with the teachers as well as the student, I know and I’m proud of the fact that I’m with the crowd and I stand out…because I’m different and have held on to it.

I just wonder… is it possible to get that girl back into my life again? is it possible to be someone you are truly, truly proud to be… and not just being that person because it’s ‘accepted’ or ‘cool’? Is it possible to be creative not for the sake of being creative but for understanding, and enjoying, that creativity in you?

Is it possible, again, to live my life according to my own terms?

Somewhere… in that boarding-house… the (I won’t call her little) girl stirs… and says, “YES! IT IS!”

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