dunno what’s happened to me

this time, coming back home felt weird. really weird.
a part of me didn’t want to come back… i didn’t want to face all these fears of mine once more, somehow i had started to feel protected and sheltered in an alien (not so much too!) city like mumbai… i enjoyed my time there, talked with friends, performed lousy renditions of old and new songs on my guitar with mami and tanu, watched the IPL, was ‘independent’ and had a good time generally… ironically, even when i had PMS.
and now coming back just doesn’t give me positive energies, i feel like i’m succumbing to my old fears and weaknesses, those dastard enemies i had managed to keep at bay for these 8-10 days are all slowly creeping back to me, eating their way through the walls i made against them, starting to give me loads of negative vibrations…
and you know what, i dont like it.
i feel like running away, from this~ i dont know, weirdness that is enveloping around me. i dont know what’s going to happen ahead, but im not looking forward to it. the one thing i had to look forward to, the one thing i WAS looking forward to all this year, i fear, is not happening. and if it doesn’t happen, i fear i’m going to go into one of my drifting periods once more… not knowing what to do, not knowing where to go… just lost, and scared.
how do i break out of this… this web of miseries i have created for myself; everywhere i look, i seem to be getting negative energy, family, friends… perhaps its just one of the bad phases of my life and hopefully i’ll get over it, but right now, i feel like running away- to some other world; like narnia for instance- have adventures with talking beasts, do magic, defeat a dark lord or ten white witches… anything but this.
i DON’T WANT TO BE HERE!!!! and the worst part is, i have to. whatever happens, i have to.

One thought on “dunno what’s happened to me

  1. Great work Sakhi! Hadn’t heard from you since long! Really your blog is awesome. You have inspired me to write something coz it has been a lot of time since I’ve written. Anyways, Best luck! Keep it up! Tc! stay in touch!

    Like

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